


South Park: An NCIS story

by briwd



Category: NCIS, South Park
Genre: Language, cartoon violence, whatever you'd see on an episode of South Park
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-24
Updated: 2019-05-24
Packaged: 2020-03-13 09:37:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18938281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/briwd/pseuds/briwd
Summary: Gibbs and his NCIS team embark on by far the most unusual case of their careers when they travel west to a small Colorado town to rescue the Secretary of Defense.





	South Park: An NCIS story

**Christmas Day, 2009  
Colorado**  
  
  
_Of all the ways to bite it,_  thought Tony DiNozzo,  _adorable devil-worshipping animals never, EVER, crossed-_ -  
  
  
**_ZAP!_**  
  
  
The Naval Criminal Investigative Service agent hit the ground, again, as the cuddly, demon-possessed bear shot yet another series of rays from his demonically red eyes. This round came a couple of inches closer to DiNozzo than the last one.  
  
  
Too close.  
  
  
"Ah got him on th' run," the bear chuckled. "Ah can zap him to death, but we got to--."  
  
  
"N-n-no," said the cute, evil woodpecker. "Let's wait until he gets exhausted! Then we'll give him AIDS!"  
  
  
_There's no telling what I'VE got being out here_ , DiNozzo thought.  _In fact--_  
  
  
"They're gonna kill us!" screamed the fat kid who should be back in town, not huffing and puffing alongside DiNozzo. "THEY'RE GONNA EAT ME TOOOOOOO!"  
  
  
"What?" DiNozzo said as he hid behind a tree.  
  
  
"AH'M THE FATTEST!"  
  
  
DiNozzo ducked another devilish ray blast, then grabbed the kid by the arm and ran, hoping to find McGee and Ziva before the critters found them.  
  
  
And where in hell was Gibbs?  
  
  
Especially on Christmas.  
  


 

**_\--flashback--_ **

  
After Philip Davenport, the Secretary of the Navy, disappeared in Colorado during a hunting trip, all hell broke loose in Washington.  
  
  
Between the Colorado Congresspeople and state politicians trying to save face, and the intelligence agencies arguing over who else had jurisdiction over the holidays, confusion and strife reigned.  
  
  
So almost no one complained when Leroy Jethro Gibbs, the special agent-in-charge of NCIS's Washington-based Major Case Response Team, put his team on a plane.  
  
  
DiNozzo, the team's senior agent and second to Gibbs; junior agent Tim McGee; and Ziva McGee, an officer of the Israeli intelligence agency Mossad and its liaison to NCIS, kept their complaints to themselves.  
  
  
Gibbs and his team landed in Denver, then drove a rented sedan to the Colorado town of South Park on Christmas Eve.  
  
  
The only solid leads on Davenport's disappearance came from four fourth-grade boys, who were taken to the police department to meet with Gibbs and his team.  
  
  
"Yeah we saw him," said 10-year-old Eric Cartman.  
  
  
After several moments of awkward silence, DiNozzo decided to resume the conversation. "AND?" he said impatiently. "And WHAT, kid?"  
  
  
"Ah want caaaash."  
  
  
The four visitors from NCIS stared at Cartman.  
  
  
"If you don't give me caaaash ah'm not saying a thing!"  
  
  
DiNozzo noticed Chief Stevens was unfazed by Cartman's petulance.  
  
  
"Shut  _up_ , fat ass!" interjected nine-year-old Kyle Broflovski. "We went out in the woods--"  
  
  
"Why were you children out in the woods?" Ziva asked.  
  
  
"Cause Cartman made me take a bet he couldn't get internet on his stupid Pocket PlayBox way out there," said 10-year-old Stan Marsh. "He thought he'd make an easy 10 bucks off of me."  
  
  
"Mmmmmah! Mm mmmmmmm mmmm mmmm m mmmmm mmmm, mmm mmmmmm!" mumbled nine-year-old Kenny McCormick.  
  
  
"It's an XStation Portable and ah would've gotten a damn signal if ah hadn't lost it running from those bastards in the forest!" Cartman whined.  
  
  
The four visitors from NCIS stared at each other.  
  
  
"YOU'RE the one who wanted to go out there," Kyle shouted at Cartman. "The rest of us wanted to watch  _A Terrance and Philip Festivus Special_  on Vidflix but YOU had to make a quick buck--"  
  
  
"Ah already seen it! Twice!"  
  
  
"TWICE?!? My mom wouldn't let me see it once!"  
  
  
"Mine neither!"  
  
  
"Mm mmmmm mmmm mmmmm mm!"  
  
  
"You can't even afford electricity Kenny, and Kyle your parents don't believe in Christmas like good Americans should so what does it matter--"  
  
  
"Shut up fatass!"  
  
  
"You shut up!"  
  
  
"YOU shut up pagan!"  
  
  
"Oh my god, Cartman, the bastards nearly killed Kenny and the rest of us and you only care about that stupid Wiitendo of yours."  
  
  
"SHUT UP STAN!"  
  
  
"YOU shut up fatass!"  
  
  
"Yeah! Fatass!"  
  
  
"Mmm mmm!"  
  
  
"ALL OF YOU SHUT THE--"  
  
  
Gibbs's ear-piercing whistle was heard from the entrance of the building. As DiNozzo and McGee shook the echo from their ears and the four boys' eyes bulged out of their sockets, Gibbs leaned forward.  
  
  
"Can the four of you tell me an honest, coherent story without shouting over one another?" said Gibbs, quietly, deliberately and (to the boys) menacingly.  
  
  
Stan finally spoke up. "Uh, yes sir. Sure." Gibbs waited patiently for one of them to continue.   
  
  
"He means for one of you geniuses to speak up and tell us what happened," DiNozzo said, snapping his fingers for emphasis. Then they all spoke over one another (mumbled in Kenny's case), and Gibbs whistled again, causing McGee to wince a little and DiNozzo to wince a lot (and whine a little).   
  
  
Gibbs nodded at Kyle.  
  
  
"All four of us went out into the woods to settle Cartman's stupid bet. We wanted to stop after the first five or six trees but HE had to go further in," Kyle said as he and Stan glared at Cartman. "We kept going until we found a clearing. That's when we saw...THEM."  
  
  
"Who's 'them'?" Ziva asked.  
  
  
"THE FUCKING DEVIL!" the boys screamed. "MMMM! MMM MMMMMMM MMMMM!" Kenny mumbled loudly.  
  
  
Kyle continued a few moments later. "We, uh, came across a clearing, and a Christmas tree next to a manger. They--"  
  
  
"A Christmas tree. And a manger," McGee said skeptically.  
  
  
"Yeah!" Stan interjected. "Then we saw them. Woodland critters."  
  
  
Gibbs kept his attention on the kids as McGee, Ziva and Tony looked at one another incredulously.  
  
  
"The truth," Gibbs said.  
  
  
"He IS telling the truth!" Cartman protested.  
  
  
"Go on," Gibbs continued.  
  
  
"We found a group of cuddly animals. Like, cartoony-cute," Kyle said. "They said they wanted us to help bring the 'savior' into the world."  
  
  
"The 'savior'," McGee said. "Cartoony-cute cuddly animals. They 'talked' to you."  
  
  
"No. They were hippies and they sang to us about their lord Jimi Hendrix," Cartman smarted back, pausing for effect. "OF COURSE they were cartoony animals and they worship Satan and they're gonna impregnate that guy with the Antichrist!"  
  
  
For a moment, DiNozzo wondered why Camp Pendleton or whatever field office was responsible for Colorado couldn't be here. Then he noticed Gibbs, who took a knee and looked each boy in the eyes.  
  
  
"There's a missing man," he said. "We need to find him. No B.S.; just tell me what you saw."  
  
  
The four boys stuck to the part of the story they had given, adding that the animals wanted the boys to help finish building the altar behind the manger where the Antichrist would rise.  
  
  
When they saw Davenport bound and gagged on a woodpile, the four boys ran.  
  
  
"I dropped my XStation Portable because I was scared shitless they'd catch me!" Cartman complained. "So you BETTER FIND MY XSTATION PORTABLE!!!"  
  
  
Gibbs leaned in and glared down the big boy; DiNozzo, McGee and Ziva kept their thoughts to themselves, although they noticed Chief Stevens appeared like he had seen -- and heard -- it all before.  
  
  
"Uh, we ran like hell," Kyle said. "We didn't look back until we got to town and Cartman was sweating like a pig--"  
  
  
"AH DIDN'T SWEAT LIKE A PIG AND AH WAS BEING CHASED BY A DEMONIC CHICKADEE--"  
  
  
"Mm MMM mmmm mmmmm mmmmmm Mmmmmmm!!!"  
  
  
"And you smelled like shit!"  
  
  
"Screw you Kyle!"  
  
  
DiNozzo looked at his boss to see if he was finally going to give the kids the riot act. Then he caught Gibbs's eye and saw the look in his eyes.  
  
  
Gibbs never could turn away an honest kid -- no matter how loud and obnoxious that kid could be.  
  
  
**South Park Police Department parking lot**  
  
  
DiNozzo pulled the seniority card -- again -- when he took the steering wheel of the team's rented sedan.  
  
  
"I want to get there alive, Zee-Vah," he said, as she mockingly mimicked what he had told her. "Probie! Using everything I've painstakingly taught you, what would you say is really going on here?"  
  
  
"Well, I'd say I missed the movie all this was based on, Tony," McGee answered, drawing a chuckle by Ziva.  
  
  
"That wasn't the answer I wanted, McSmartalec," Tony said. "The correct answer is 'the kids are exaggerating, Very Special Agent DiNozzo'."  
  
  
"You thought those boys were lying, Tony," Ziva said.  
  
  
"And you didn't?"  
  
  
"Gibbs didn't," McGee said.  
  
  
"True...so they exaggerated their story. Davenport was kidnapped by some locals, dressed in fur. They're in the woodlands, so there were animals--"  
  
  
"How do you explain the satanic imagery?" Ziva asked.  
  
  
"Could be older kids," McGee said. "We haven't been in this town very long, but I noticed quite a variety of people here."  
  
  
"Very good, McObservant," Tony said. "We know what to look for now. All we have to do is find their shed, and get the Secretary out alive."  
  
  
**Outside South Park  
Public entrance into the woodlands**  
  
  
As the sedan pulled over on the road entering the woodlands, Ziva looked back at McGee and Tony. "What if there is more than that to this story?"  
  
  
"Like a guy dressed up as Smokey the Bear with devil horns?" Tony said as he put the car in park and turned off the engine.  
  
  
"What if the boys explained the events as they truly happened?"  
  
  
Tony did a double-take, realized that his mouth was hanging open, and proceeded to laugh. "Demon-possessed animals holding a man hostage? Killed a kid? Come ON, Ziva."  
  
  
"Mossad has encountered some very unusual phenomena over the years, as has your own government. I worked on an unusual case with Director Shepard two years ago."  
  
  
"Jenny?" Tony replied. "What kind of case?"  
  
  
"Neither you nor McGee have the clearance for me to give the details. I will say portions of it were quite disturbing and give me reason for concern in this situation."  
  
  
Tony stared at her for several moments before flashing a smile. "Whoever these guys are, between us, Gibbs and the local cops, we should be able to rescue Davenport safe and sound."  
  
  
He headed into the woodlands, with Ziva beside him and McGee behind them. Walking through the thick woods, Tony realized she was more in the right than his skepticism led him to believe.  
  
  
About 15 minutes later, they came on a clearing. Tony noticed a nearby mountain in view, and then he saw something that looked more like a manger than a shed.  
  
  
"The boys were correct about the building," Ziva said as she peered at it from behind a tree. McGee and Tony looked out at it from a tree four feet to her right.  
  
  
As she, Tony and McGee looked into the manger itself, they saw someone bound with ropes, laying on a large woodpile.  
  
  
"Secretary Davenport," Tony said.  
  
  
The trio then saw a deer timidly peek her head from behind the manger. "Hello?" Deery said, shyly.  
  
  
The rest of the animals came out from behind the manger and surrounded the Secretary. While Deery slowly approached the NCIS team, the animals looked out at the newcomers with curiosity and wonder.  
  
  
"Hello," Deery said as she approached DiNozzo. "I'm Deery the Deer, and these are my friends, the woodland critters!"  
  
  
DiNozzo, McGee and Ziva listened and watched in shock as Beary the Bear; Beavery the Beaver; Chickadeey the Chickadee; Foxy the Fox; Mousey the Mouse; Porcupiney the Porcupine; Rabbity the Rabbit; Raccoony the Raccoon; Skunky the Skunk; Squirrely the Squirrel; and Woodpeckery the Woodpecker all introduced themselves.  
  
  
The animals were cheery, friendly and eager to help in contrast to the scene at the manger, where Davenport was frantically trying to get the NCIS team's attention. He succeeded -- all three people couldn't help but see the man mumbling for help in front of a pentagram on the manger's back wall.  
  
  
Then, the three noticed the animals staring at them. Their smiling eyes were the creepiest thing DiNozzo had ever seen.  
  
  
"YYYAAAAAAYYY!!!" the animals shouted in unison.  
  
  
Deery stepped to the forefront. "Before you ask, you're not hallucinating, and we REALLY do talk!"  
  
  
Rabbity started jumping for joy. "Yeah! It's a gift from our god!"  
  
  
"We're gonna make some new friends!" said the very pregnant Porcupiney.  
  
  
"Yeah!" shouted Raccoony. "You can celebrate with us, Tony, Tim and Ziva!"  
  
  
McGee, Ziva and DiNozzo all looked at one another, then drew their guns, shocking the animals. "How do you know us?" McGee blurted out (and beating DiNozzo and Ziva to the punch).  
  
  
The animals then gave the gun-bearing agents and Mossad officer their saddest, doeiest-eyed look.  
  
  
"I deduce that they don't like us," Mousey told the other critters.  
  
  
"Did we do something wrong?" Chickadee-ee chirped. "Did we do something wrong?"  
  
  
DiNozzo looked at McGee and Ziva, then slowly pulled out his badge and I.D., rationalizing that he needed to follow procedure. He'd later admit he should have started shooting the critters. "Federal agents. NCIS, Naval Criminal Investigative Service," DiNozzo said, calmly, looking over at Davenport. "We're looking for THAT man--"  
  
  
"Do you think we're at fault?" Skunky said. "Do you think WE did it? Huh? HUH?"  
  
  
"Do we think you did what?" Ziva said, nodding towards Davenport. "Do you know who is responsible for Secretary Davenport's captivity?"  
  
  
The critters unanimously nodded their heads.  
  
  
"Well?" DiNozzo snapped.  
  
  
"Was it you?" McGee said.  
  
  
Again, the critters unanimously nodded their heads.  
  
  
DiNozzo looked carefully at Ziva and McGee. "Will you let us go over there to free the Secretary?"  
  
  
The critters unanimously shook their heads, and their eyes began to glow a dark, piercing red.  
  
  
The three people kept their composure despite being disturbed by what they were witnessing. DiNozzo heard some movement in the trees behind him, but listened to his gut and kept his eyes on the animals. He slowly reached for his badge and ID, then nodded for McGee and Ziva to do the same.  
  
  
"Again, we're federal agents," DiNozzo said. "We're going to free the Secretary, then we're bringing ALL of you in for questioning. McGee. Call Gibbs, give him a sitrep and tell him where he and the cops can--"  
  
  
The animals' eyes grew bright red, and DiNozzo made himself stand his ground. If it wasn't for Davenport and the kids, the junior agent would have run for his life out of fear of the creatures. Remembering these creatures had threatened four young boys suddenly bolstered McGee's resolve, and as he glanced at McGee and Ziva he realized they had similar resolve.  
  
  
McGee reached for his phone with his free hand, but couldn't get a signal. Ziva couldn't get a signal on her phone either.  
  
  
"Your phones aren't working," Porcupiney said. "That's because we're using CELLPHONE JAMMERS!"  
  
  
"YAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!" shouted the animals. DiNozzo, McGee and Ziva checked their phones, verifying that they weren't getting any reception.  
  
  
"That's so you can't call for backup!" Rabbity said.  
  
  
"Yeah!" Squirrely added. "Now you get to bear witness to the great day when Porcupiney gives birth to the Antichrist and we stick him up Secretary Davenport's butt to possess him, bringing an eternity of pain and death to all living things!"  
  
  
DiNozzo didn't hesitate. He began shooting at the woodland critters, and McGee and Ziva instantly followed his lead. However, their bullets were ineffective against the Bambi-eyed monsters, whose eyes burned like the fires of hell itself.  
  
  
"Well, gosh, ah wish you all wouldn't have done that," Beary said. "Ah hate that we have to do this, but we got to kill th' three of ya, plus the kids hidin' in the woods and that feller from the FBI who's been pretendin' to be a homeless guy!"  
  
  
McGee looked back at the woods behind him. "Tony...Ziva...I thought I saw some kid--"  
  
  
Woodpeckery and Chickadeey then began to flap their wings and the other animals took a deep breath and blew. The air around DiNozzo, Ziva and McGee instantly went from still to hurricane-force and all three found themselves slammed back into the woods by the violent winds.  
  
  
DiNozzo hit the ground flat on his back, stunned but not knocked out. He noticed his head was a couple of inches next to thick tree root; thanking his lucky stars, he also noticed his handgun was still in his left hand.  
  
  
The agent stayed where he was, behind some thick shrubbery and another tree. He looked around, didn't see Ziva nor McGee and shouted their names.  
  
  
"Tony!"  
  
  
"Tony!"  
  
  
"Ziva! McGee! Where ARE you guys?!?!?" DiNozzo shouted, seeing the critters assemble in front of the manger, with the porcupine apparently ready to give birth. As soon as he got up to move, however, the hurricane-force winds returned. He was pinned down, and apparently so were McGee and Ziva.  
  
  
The best DiNozzo could tell, Ziva was at least 60 yards away, McGee twice that. DiNozzo couldn't yell over the gale-force winds, and really couldn't do more than crouch in place. He managed to take his phone out of his pocket, only to find it still wasn't getting reception.  
  
  
_This IS NOT how I'm gonna bite it,_ he thought. _Not gonna let Ziva and Probie die, not gonna let Davenport die._  
  
  
DiNozzo looked out towards the manger, winds still howling fiercely, and saw the animals stand in what looked like a pentagram. Then, despite barely being able to hear himself think, he heard the demonic critters clearly.  
  
  
_It's a wood-land critter Christ-mas  
  
A time for joy and cheer  
  
And when the Anti-christ is born  
  
'Tis the sea-son for fear!  
  
YAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!_  
  
  
He heard the bright holiday music, too, and saw hellfire ascend from below around the animals. Soon afterwards the hellfire descended into the ground and DiNozzo could see them, surrounding something laying in a pile of straw in front of Davenport.  
  
  
_The thing on the strawpile must be their Antichrist,_ DiNozzo thought. _Little bastard looks like a sea monkey crossed with a Canadian...a Canadian sea monkey they're about to shove into the Secretary._  
  
  
"ZIVA, ON MY SEVEN AND START FIRING!" DiNozzo yelled as he ran out of the woods towards the manger. "PROBIE GET BACK TO TOWN AND CALL GIBBS AND CALL FOR--"  
  
  
The hurricane-force wind picked up again, slamming DiNozzo against a tree. His back hurting like hell, he saw the creatures' eyes glowing red, looking out towards where McGee and Ziva were and then himself.  
  
  
The woodland critters' stares creeped DiNozzo out more than anything that had scared him before.  
  
  
"You made us really, really, REALLY MAD," Bearie said. "Now we're gonna have to use our Satanic powers to KILL ya."  
  
  
The animals split up in groups of three and slowly, step-by-step, began making their way towards the three NCIS members. They took six steps, stopped, and waited as another hurricane-force wind blew into the woods. DiNozzo hit the ground and shielded his eyes against the wind with his left hand, and holding his handgun tightly with his other hand.  
  
  
Then he felt something land right on his back, bringing back the pain that had started to recede. DiNozzo rolled and aimed his gun at what he expected to be one of the creatures.  
  
  
"CARTMAN?" he yelled at the boy who landed on DiNozzo. "WHAT THE HELL--"  
  
  
"They're gonna kill us all!" Cartman yelled. "We're gonna daaaaaaaah! WE'RE GONNA DAAAAAAH!"  
  
  
The winds died down just enough for DiNozzo to look up and see the bear, woodpecker, squirrel and rabbit hovering, moving inch-by-inch towards him and the fat kid.  
  
  
"How in the hell -- WHY in the hell -- are you here?!?" DiNozzo said as he reloaded his handgun. "And tell me you're the only kid out here!"  
  
  
Cartman shook his head.  
  
  
"HOW?"  
  
  
"KennypickedthelockandheandStanandKyleandme (puff)  
  
jumpedinthetrunkandwaitedtillwethoughtyouhad (puff)  
  
leftthenopenedthetrunkandfollowedyouuntilweran (puff)  
  
intothathomelessguywhoyelledatusandtoldustogo (puff)  
  
backtothecarwhichwasagreatideabutGODDAMNKYLEand (puff)  
  
GODDAMNSTANandGODDAMNKENNYranoffandahdidntwanna (puff)  
  
beleftalonesoahranbackandintothebackofthehomeless (puff)  
  
guysassandhe -- LISTEN TO ME GODDAMMIT!!!!"  
  
  
DiNozzo was listening, alright.  
  
  
Out of the corner of his eye he saw the creatures listening, too, and decided to see where the other kids were.  
  
  
"STAN?" "Here," he said, over where McGee was.  
  
  
"KYLE?" "Here," he said, over where Ziva was.  
  
  
"KENNY?" "Mhhr," he mumbled, also over where Ziva was. Then DiNozzo noticed the porcupine zip in front of the other creatures in her group to levitate in front of a bush.  
  
  
"Not anymore," Porcupiney said in a devilish voice, and DiNozzo saw a small orange bundle launch like a rocket towards the mountain in the distance.  
  
  
"Oh my God. They killed Kenny!" DiNozzo heard Stan yell.  
  
  
"YOU BASTARDS!" he heard Kyle shout. But before DiNozzo could even think to shoot, Cartman wobbled out of their hiding place out into the open field. Huffing and puffing, he ended up in front of the animals who had regathered as one group.  
  
  
"AH AM YOUR MASTER!" Cartman yelled at them; they looked back at him in total confusion. "AH ORDER YOU TO STOP AND LET THAT GAAAAAHHHHH GO!"  
  
  
Deery walked right up to Cartman. "YOU'RE our master?"  
  
  
Cartman nodded, shaking in his shoes.  
  
  
"Is Saddam Hussein your boyfriend?"  
  
  
"Wha--WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU BABBLING ABOUT?!? AH DEMAND. YOU. LEAVE. LEAVE US ALONE. AND THAT OLD GUY...but you can take Kyle."  
  
  
"CARTMAN!" Kyle protested.  
  
  
Deery's big doey eyes looked right into the boy's soul. "Is. Saddam. Hussein. Your. BOYFRIEND."  
  
  
Cartman frantically shook his head. "NOOOO! AH'M. NOT. GAY!...not that there's anything wrong with that."  
  
  
To his surprise, Deery and the other critters started to laugh, then fell to the ground, rolling hysterically.  
  
  
"KID! Get BACK HERE! NOW!" DiNozzo yelled.  
  
  
Cartman ran as quickly as he could -- not fast at all -- but huffed and puffed his way towards DiNozzo's hiding place.  
  
  
The woodpecker flew in Cartman's path and cut him off. He pissed himself when Beary whispered into his ear: "you're not our lord Satan...fatass."  
  
  
Cartman ran as the demonic animals laughed their asses off, ran into the woods past DiNozzo, and ran back when the rays began shooting through the trees. Cartman narrowly avoided getting blasted out of the woods after DiNozzo doubled back, then shoved him away from a blast.  
  
  
**_ZAP ZAP ZAP ZAP ZAP_**  
  
  
DiNozzo heard the ray blasts; gunfire coming from where McGee and Ziva were hidden; and lots of yelling and screaming from the kid next to him. He shot right between the woodpecker's eyes and saw the bullet zip through the bird.  
  
  
**_ZAP ZAP ZAP_**  
  
  
_Three bullets left in the chamber, one magazine in my pocket. I'm not sure we're gonna make it outta...this,_  DiNozzo thought as he shot at the bear.  _Sorry, Davenport. Grab the kid, yell out to everybody to retreat back to the--_  
  
  
**_ZAP ZAP ZAP ZAP ZAP ZAP_**  
  
  
The rabbit's eye beam narrowly missed DiNozzo's head.  _Of all the ways to bite it,_  he thought,  _adorable devil-worshipping animals never EVER crossed--_  
  
  
**_ZAP_**  
  
  
The senior agent hit the ground yet again, as the bear shot yet another series of rays from his eyes. This round came a couple of inches closer to DiNozzo than the last one.  
  
  
Too close.  
  
  
"Ah got him on th' run," the bear chuckled. "Ah can zap him to death, but we got to--."  
  
  
"N-n-no," said the cute, evil woodpecker. "Let's wait until he gets exhausted! Then we'll give him AIDS!"  
  
  
_There's no telling what I'VE got being out here,_  DiNozzo thought.  _In fact--_  
  
  
"They're gonna kill us!" screamed an out-of-breath Cartman. "THEY'RE GONNA EAT ME TOO!"  
  
  
"What?"  
  
  
"AH'M THE FATTEST!"  
  
  
_Shut up kid,_  thought DiNozzo as he ducked another devilish ray blast. He then grabbed the kid by the arm and ran, hoping to find McGee and Ziva before the critters found them.  
  
  
_And where in hell was Gibbs?  
  
  
ESPECIALLY ON CHRISTMAS,_ DiNozzo thought.  _OF ALL THE DAMN TIMES FOR THIS CRAZY ASS SHIT TO GO DOWN._  
  
  
No matter what his options were, he couldn't think of a way out of the dilemma.  
  
  
**_ZAP ZAP ZAP ZAP_**  
  
  
He then decided on the best option: find McGee and Ziva, put Cartman with them and the other kids, then have his teammates cover him while he made a run for the manger. Of course, once he got there he'd have to free the secretary.  
  
  
And that's in a scenario where the animals wouldn't do a damn thing other than get shot at. Which there was no chance in hell (ironically speaking) of happening.  
  
  
Then he thought of the boys, now three after Kenny had apparently been flung by the bastards all the way to the mountain. No one could survive that. They couldn't save Kenny and likely couldn't save Davenport, but they could save the kids and make a dash for South Park; there, DiNozzo would contact Director Vance and tell him to drop a small nuke on the site.  
  
  
None of which the critters would stand by and allow to happen.  
  
  
DiNozzo looked to his left and saw a very wide-eyed Cartman trembling. "Ah-ah-ah-ahm s-s-sorr-eh. Ah-ah-ahm s-s-sorreh. Ah-ah-ah--"  
  
  
**_ZAP ZAP ZAP ZAP ZAP ZAP_**  
  
  
DiNozzo heard gunfire, which gave him hope for his plan of retreat. He looked back at Cartman, who was still trembling and babbling. With his handgun pointed at the four critters mere yards away, he grabbed Cartman and shook him just enough to get the boy's attention.  
  
  
"We're leaving. Now. With your friends and my team," DiNozzo whispered.  
  
  
"O-o-okay. Ah-ah-ahm s-sorreh--"  
  
  
"ABOUT WHAT?"  
  
  
**_ZAP ZAP ZAP_**  
  
  
The woodpecker's rays hit the roots at the front of the redwood tree they were hiding behind. The tree began to tilt back towards them, and within seconds would fall to the ground.  
  
  
But not on them. DiNozzo shot at the damned bird, bear and rabbit and grabbed Cartman by the arm, dragging him along as he made a run for where he thought Ziva was. They got just over halfway to her when another round of rays forced them to dive behind another tree.  
  
  
"AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!" Cartman screamed into DiNozzo's ear. "IT'S HIM!!!"  
  
  
_They got the drop,_  DiNozzo thought.  _I've got three bullets left. Make 'em count._  
  
  
DiNozzo turned around and saw who Cartman was screaming and pointing at: a smelly man with a long grey beard in raggedy clothing brandishing a machine gun.  
  
  
"THAT'S THE HOMELESS GAAAAHHHH!" Cartman yelled before they ducked another round of ray blasts.  
  
  
DiNozzo recognized him, too. "Fornell?!?"  
  
  
FBI agent Tobias Fornell, who had been working undercover in South Park for the past three months, abruptly jumped up and shot at the three groups of animals until he ran out of ammo. As Cartman began to hyperventilate, Fornell pulled another machine gun out of the inside of his coat and a pistol from his pocket, handing the smaller weapon to DiNozzo.  
  
  
"I got guns and ammo to Officer David and Agent McGee," Fornell said as he drove the woodpecker back into the open field after emptying the cartridge in his handgun. "The kids--"  
  
  
"HOMELESS HIPPIE GAH! DEVIL ANIMALS! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE--" Cartman screamed before DiNozzo clamped his free hand over the pudgy boy's mouth. "MM'MM MWM MWMMW--"  
  
  
"Shut the hell UP, you brat!" DiNozzo spat at the kid, who kept mumbling and squirming.  
  
  
DiNozzo and Fornell looked out and found the animals huddled around the manger. DiNozzo looked at Fornell and gestured towards Ziva's position; despite Cartman's panic, the three managed to get away without the animals doing anything.  
  
  
They found Ziva and McGee behind a tree with Kyle and Stan. All four -- including the boys -- were armed to the teeth, and Ziva waved the others over.  
  
  
"DAMN," DiNozzo said after seeing Stan's semi-automatic and Kyle's grenade launcher. The boys looked like they were both having the time of their lives and scared to death. Ziva sharpened a bayonet; McGee, kneeling in front of a pile of grenades, shrugged.  
  
  
Cartman stared at the assault weapons behind McGee and Ziva. His complexion abruptly went from frightened to devilish to angelic. "KEEEWWWWLLLL...can ah kill the bastards, please???"  
  
  
"No!" DiNozzo shot back, wondering about the boy's mental state.  _This has gotta be too much--_  
  
  
His eyes nearly popped out of his skull after seeing Fornell hand Cartman an M-16.  
  
  
"The fu--? Kid, PUT THAT THING DOWN RIGHT NOW--"  
  
  
Cartman then fired off several rounds in the direction of the animals.  
  
  
DiNozzo ran and grabbed the kid by the back of his coat. He pulled Cartman out of sight and the automatic from his grip, then momentarily took in the scene around him: Fornell as a crazed Santa handing out weapons; Ziva and McGee dressed head-to-toe in Army body armor; and three kids acting like Christmas came early for the insurgents.  
  
  
"Desperate times call for desperate measures," Fornell said, seemingly reading DiNozzo's mind.  
  
  
McGee finished setting up a rocket launcher. "Them or us, Tony."  
  
  
"Preparation worthy of Mossad," Ziva said as she sharpened a paper clip. "Which, Cartman, Kyle requested I inform you is the intelligence agency of the State of Israel."  
  
  
Ziva leapt into Cartman's face like a leopard, a feat that both impressed and frightened DiNozzo. "A JEWISH country...Eric."  
  
  
Cartman wet his pants.   
  
  
"Ziva's cool!" Kyle shouted. "I wanna be Mossad when I grow up!"  
  
  
"Yeah!" Stan added. "I wanna be Mossad when I grow up, too--"  
  
  
DiNozzo's loud whistle got everyone's attention -- including a few of the critters, who momentarily turned their attention towards the humans.  
  
  
"Kids put those weapons down NOW, Ziva, McGee, Fornell help me get them up because we're leaving RIGHT NOW--"  
  
  
DiNozzo didn't hear the rest of his order over the sounds of weapons being fired at the chickadee and woodpecker flying over the deer headed straight towards them. He picked up the nearest Uzi and started firing as the deer screeched to a stop.  
  
  
The gunfire ceased, and both sides stared at the other for several moments.  
  
  
Then the deer spoke. "I've got some great news!" Deery said gleefully, the birds chirping in agreement. "The Antichrist has been born!"   
  
  
"YAAAAAAAYYYYY!" the other animals cheered from afar.  
  
  
"Now we'll put him in the man and bring a thousand years of death and pain to all living things upon the earth!" Deery joyfully shouted. "And we get to force everybody to take his mark 666 on their foreheads or their right hands, or cut their heads off!", Squirrely squealed.

 

"YAAAAAAAYYYYY!"

  
  
Before DiNozzo or Fornell could respond, Cartman ran out a few feet from the humans' hiding place to address the critters. "Uuuuhhhhh, could you hold off on that for awhile, let that guy go and don't put that Canadian sea monkey up his ass, and go to hell?"

 

"Well, golly, why would we do that?", Chickadee chirped?

 

"Because AH AM YOUR CREATOR!"

 

The animals stopped cold and stared at Cartman for what seemed like an eternity...or 15 seconds. "Cartman! Get your ass back here before you get yourself killed!", Stan yelled out.

 

"Shut up Kyle! Ah got this," Cartman said, keeping both eyes on the critters. Finally, Deery approached.  
  


"Creator? _You're_ the creator?" she said skeptically.

  
Fornell quickly got alongside DiNozzo. "It's true. The kid created him," he said in a whisper as Cartman bargained for something. "Imaginationland. The fat kid created them in Imaginationland as a way to rib the Jewish kid who he's supposed to be friends with," Fornell quickly explained.  
  
  
DiNozzo, Ziva and McGee all glared at him disbelievingly, while Stan and Kyle nodded in agreement.  
  
  
"It's true," Stan said. "They tricked me into killing a mountain lion and a mother of three before Santa brought her back to life."  
  
  
With one eye on the critters, DiNozzo looked to his teammates. "We're...hearing this for the first time, Tony," Ziva said.  
  
  
"Was it the hippie lettuce in this state that made you change your looks and lose your mind? Or have you always been this insane?" DiNozzo said to Fornell.  
  
  
"The Bureau has had agents here in this town for years and so has every other intelligence agency, including your own, DiNutso and McGee," Fornell said as calmly as DiNozzo expected him to, if the FBI agent truly were insane. "That includes the Agency. Mossad too, Officer David. We'll read you in when we get back to Washington."  
  
  
Meanwhile, Cartman continued to negotiate.  
  
  
"Well, if you really want to shove that sea monkey up his ass, okay," Cartman said. "If I give you the Jews, Stan, the guy in charge and the homeless guy, will you let me go?"  
  
  
DiNozzo ran out to grab Cartman by his neck and drag him back. Moments after they disappeared into their hideout, gunfire erupted from the woods.  
  
  
As the deer and birds headed back towards the manger, it appeared that everyone else was going to follow DiNozzo's lead and make a mad dash back towards their vehicles. As Fornell and McGee loaded their weapons into the knapsack, DiNozzo saw a gleam in the distance.  
  
  
Instantly, he knew exactly what to do.  
  
  
"TONY!" Ziva yelled as he ran out into the open field.  
  
  
"Stick with the plan, Ziva!" he yelled back. Armed only with an M-16, two grenades and Ziva's paper clip, DiNozzo put himself halfway between the manger and the woods. "Hey! Over here, you fuckers!"  
  
  
He got the critters' attention, for sure. They quickly gathered in front of him, their eyes glowing in a demonic light.  
  
  
"Hey, guys!" DiNozzo said in a fake cheerful manner, while the others wondered if he had gone full-blown crazy. "Yeah! You! Let's stop shooting at each other and trying to kill the other side dead and talk for a bit."  
  
  
The critters looked at each other, then at DiNozzo. "Okay," the porcupine said.  
  
  
"Weeellll, I've got to say, this would make one hell of a movie -- no pun intended," DiNozzo replied, slowly walking backward one step at a time. "Like if Bambi was mixed with...a bunch of devil worship 'B' movies and a bad alien invasion flick...but no offense, it's not your fault the plot sucks -- or is it?"  
  
  
"What?!?" said the bear who, like the other critters, slowly moved towards DiNozzo step by step.  
  
  
"I've been racking my brain for a movie that reminds me of...this, and THAT" -- he pointed towards Davenport, who was still squirming on the woodpile in the manger -- "and I got nothin'."  
  
  
"Well, gosh, we couldn't think of anything either," the rabbit said. "But we're still gonna bring forth the Antichrist today!"  
  
  
"YEAH!" the other critters shouted for joy.  
  
  
"So what's your point?" asked the mouse.  
  
  
"My point? Oh yeah my point," DiNozzo said. "I just figured that, y'know, we're over there and you're here, and we're at an impasse. So I figure, let's meet in the middle, talk this thing out, see if we can't come up with a solution that makes everybody happy."  
  
  
"ARE YOU CRAZY?" he heard the other humans shout in unison, from the woods.  
  
  
"Ignore them," he chuckled. "They're still a little sore about getting shot at like that scene from Starship Troopers. I'm not the only one here who's seen it...right?"  
  
  
The critters shook their heads.  
  
  
"Tell ya what," DiNozzo said as he stopped in full view of the mountain. "You, me, let's hang out here in the middle. I do a great Tommy Lee Jones," he told them, proceeding to quote lines from movies the actor worked in.  
  
  
The animals began to get irritated, and DiNozzo hoped the others had gotten out of there.  
  
  
"They haven't," the porcupine said, reading his mind. "We'll have to kill them, and you, so we can complete our evil plan!"  
  
  
"Now come on, y'all, this man did a good Tommy Lee Jones," the squirrel said. "So instead of frying' him to death, we'll just give him AIDS and send him back to Washington to tell the President to surrender to the Antichrist or the country will burn by nuclear hellfire!"  
  
  
"Yeah, and then we'll celebrate by sacrificing me to Satan!" the rabbit said gleefully.  
  
  
"AND THEN WE'LL HAVE A BLOOD ORGY!" the animals shouted in unison. "From Event Horizon, which we all saw twice," added the deer.  
  
  
DiNozzo again saw the glint in the distance, and squatted. "Let's not get too far ahead," he chuckled, the animals following him step for step. "This reminds me of another movie: Die Hard, the original. Bruce Willis is talking to the terrorist on a walkie-talkie and, I bet, you bastards are thinking the same thing Hans Gruber thought."  
  
  
He waited for their response; they glared at him. "Hans Gruber asks McClain, 'do you really think you can stop us, Mr. Cowboy'? McClain hears the elevator, and before escaping up the stairs, replies, 'yippie-ki-yay, motherfucker'."  
  
  
DiNozzo then took the M-16 and began shooting at the critters as he made a hasty retreat. In the distance, he heard a single gunshot, and the bear's head exploded in blood and brains.  
  
  
"OMIGOD!" the squirrel shouted, and the critters descended into a state of complete panic.  
  
  
The fox, woodpecker, raccoon and skunk were the next to dissipate in a cloud of gore. The other animals made a run for the manger, and DiNozzo sprinted after them, trying to shoot one of them without hitting the secretary.  
  
  
DiNozzo heard a rumble in the distance which quickly became a roar, and before he knew it seven Marine attack helicopters were above the manger. A shooter in the nearest helicopter quickly took the other animals down, then jumped out of the copter when it landed.  
  
  
Gibbs put down his sniper rifle and -- with a kid in a certain orange parka watching with the other Marines in the copter -- walked into the manger, took a handgun and emptied it into the Antichrist creature.  
  
  
"Took you long enough, Boss," DiNozzo said with a grin as some Marines moved to free Davenport.  
  
  
"Not easy to get the right weapons from Imaginationland, DiNozzo," Gibbs said, waving over the kid. Kenny got there just as two other Marines shut down the jamming devices, and Gibbs placed a call.  
  
  
"All clear, Tobias. You and the others can come out," Gibbs said, snapping his phone shut.  
  
  
DiNozzo stared at Kenny, who excitedly mumbled back, and turned to Gibbs. "Boss, we saw them, ah, throw that kid to his death--"  
  
  
"Got help from Jesus, DiNozzo."  
  
  
"Jesus."  
  
  
"Ya heard me, DiNozzo."  
  
  
"...THE Jesus?!?"  
  
  
"He saved Kenny from the bastards," Gibbs replied, as Kenny nodded.  
  
  
"Boss?"  
  
  
"DiNozzo?"  
  
  
"What in hell just happened here?"  
  
  
Gibbs looked at Davenport, who was being tended to by paramedics. "We saved the day, DiNozzo."  
  
  
Fornell, Ziva, McGee and the boys arrived at the manger. While the boys reunited with Kenny, Gibbs talked with his team. DiNozzo saw the kids, and asked them how they were doing, and if they had learned anything.  
  
  
"Yeah," Kyle said, as DiNozzo looked around for the source of the music he suddenly heard. "Just because you look cute and harmless doesn't automatically mean you're a good person. You could be really, really evil inside."  
  
  
"And I learned that Jews aren't evil, in fact they're cool, like Jason Bourne cool!" Stan replied with Kyle nodding in approval and Cartman visibly irritated. "I wanna be a Mossad agent when I grow up!"  
  
  
"You can kill somebody with a paper clip!" Kyle added.  
  
  
"M mmw'm mw mmwwmm mmmmww," Kenny mumbled. "M mmwwm wm mw WM-MM-WW-WS mwwmw mwww M mmwm mw!"  
  
  
Cartman furrowed his brow, upset with his friends. "Ah learned devil-worshipping animals are lame, Kyle's still lame, homeless guys are lame no matter how many times you jump over them with your skateboard."  
  
  
"TEN TIMES, kid!" Fornell protested. "Once wasn't enough for you, was it?"  
  
  
"SHUT UP YOU HOMELESS GAH!"  
  
  
Fornell leaned down and got in Cartman's big-boned face. "You're lucky you don't rot in prison, son."  
  
  
"For WHAT?"  
  
  
"Yeah, Cartman's just an ass," Kyle said, as Stan and Kenny nodded in agreement.  
  
  
"AH AM NOOOOTTTT!!!" Cartman yelled back.  
  
  
Fornell pointed to the remains of the dead woodland critters. "For THEM. And more."  
  
  
"More what?"  
  
  
"For example. You never fed Scott Tenorman his parents in that chili. You fed him SPAM."  
  
  
"AH FED HIM WHAT???"  
  
  
"The bodies weren't the parents," Fornell said, the whiskers on his long grey beard bristling against Cartman's chubby jaws. "Life Model Decoys, made of Spam. Then there's kidnapping and illegal detainment of your friend Butters; false accusation, when you told the cops all the parents in town were--"  
  
  
Cartman froze, barely able to whisper "Sp-sp-spam?"  
  
  
"Spam, son. The family's in a safe place where you can't touch them. Because it was spam, it wasn't murder -- which means you're not going away for life to prison. No, son, you're going with ME, back to Washington, for a little chat with some friends of mine...and we're leaving NOW."  
  
  
"N-n-now?"  
  
  
"I don't even have time to bathe and change clothes." Fornell looked for, and found, the Marine contingent's commanding officer. "Commander! Do you mind if we catch a ride on one of those helicopters?"  
  
  
"We have two seats empty for you and your prisoner, Agent Fornell," the Marine said with a grin.  
  
  
"PRISONER? AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!"  
  
  
Cartman screamed in horror while almost everyone else laughed. Davenport glared hard at the boy.  
  
  
"I want that kid's head on a platter, Jethro," he muttered to the NCIS agent. "If they don't have a platter I'll settle for a tree branch."  
  
  
Gibbs chuckled as the Marines tied a screaming Cartman into his seat on one of the helicopters. "We'd have to _kill_ him, Tobias, and we  _won't_ do that. You'll have to settle for an interrogation back at NCIS."  
  


 

_\--FOOF--_


End file.
